BLONDE ENGINEERS

A group of blondes in a class at the University of Georgia were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they´re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student came along, saw what they were trying to do, walked over, pulled the flagpole out of the ground, laid it flat, measured it from end to end, and then gave the measurement to one of the blondes and walked away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn´t that just like a dumb engineer? We´re looking for the height and he gives us the length!"

A Businessman´s trouble

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody -- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here´s what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water´s edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your
answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11"

My Mother Taught Me 1-7

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you!
Don´t talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don´t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don´t pass your spelling test, you´ll never get a good job."

7 My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don´t come running to me."

The 10 Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and
thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it´s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we´ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short and you have to pass it before you can get into heaven.

1) What days of the week begin with the letter T?
2) How many seconds are there in a year?
3) What is God´s first name?"

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? That one´s easy. That´d be today and tomorrow." The Saint´s eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that´s not what I was thinking, but .....
I´ll give you credit for that answer.

"How about the second one?" asks St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one´s harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk and guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven´s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" "Shucks, there´s gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd."

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you´re going with this, and I´ll have to give you credit for that one, too.Let´s go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God´s first name?"
"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?"

"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN." St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and said: "Run, Forrest, run."

My Mother Taught Me 8-12

8 My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don´t eat your vegetables, you´ll never grow up."

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You´re just like your father."

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

12. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you´ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you´ll see what it´s like."

´For the Sick´

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I´m gonna be sick, Momma!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn´t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ´For the Sick´."